I dont know if u are going to read this. Perhaps you will, perhaps you wont.
If you do read, i dont know how are u going to react. Maybe u will do something, maybe u wont. Maybe u will just keep quiet and pretend you didnt read it.
I dont know how u think, how u'd feel, wad you'd do even if you read this. Cause i've figured out that I've never known you. As much as i'd love to tell others, I've known u for 3 years, i've never known who exactly are you.
Like how imms feel towards her boy, she never knows where is he during the day, wad he does, who he's out with him, what is he doing. SO DO I. i never know anything about you.
I've no idea who your friends are. Where do u hangout. What you normally do.
As much as i'd love to probe, i've given up. Ur life just seems like a mystery to me. Something impenetrable. As though there is a wall around you, a wall i will never get past, cause u wont let me.
As much as you'd love to have your privacy, but dont u think its unfair. Wanting to know where i go, who i hang out with, wad am i doing but i cant know anything about you at all.
Im upset not over the fact that life is unfair, but cause of the fact that im dating a guy whom i dont know.For 3 long years we've 'known' each other, yet its feel almost like you are a stranger.
I have been very open with you. Why cant u just do the same to me.
U have no idea, how important you stand in my heart. Yet i feel as though im a nobody to you.
Why do i have to be squeezed in between your schedule. Why can i never have an entire day with you and you alone.
Am i such a pain that you cant bear to spend more time with me? Why are we seeing each other when u dont even bother if you see me or not.
Have you ever tried being in my shoes, knowing how it feels like when i tell you 'i have been out with another guy in the past few days.sorry"
who the fuck am i to you. wad the fuck do u take me as.
I gave you my everything. What more do u want from me.
Why cant u try and see things from my point of view. see things like how i see.
Seeing my boyfriend choosing soccer over me. Seeing my boyfriend spending more time with another lady instead of me. YOU URSELF know its wrong. yet u did it. have u any idea at all how fucking hurt i am.
Issit because u are taking me for granted. Knowing that at the end of the day, i will go back crawling to you? is that the case? IS that why u are treating me like this.
Do you how painful it is for me to subdue my feelings and emotions everyday and having to hold them back cause i must pretend i am fine and i have to put on a strong front.
Do you how painful it is to have to cry to sleep everynight knowing that you dont even know i am crying to sleep everynight.
Do you know how difficult it is for me to have to pretend that everything is fine all the time, knowing that deep down, the pain is killing me.
I flipped through my old diary. And i read through the entries back then. 2 year ago, where we'll be meeting up every so often and just waste our time in woodlands library. All i had ever wanted was to spend more time with you.
I'd rather wish you didnt have a car. Taking the long train rides and the walks. All these memories, i wish i have them back now. I really want them back.
Im not as strong as you think i am. Ive been hurt too many times. So much that its impossible to mend my heart.
All these while u see me, its all pretence.
Because u wont be able to handle the real side of me.
The weak, the depressed, the emotional, the negative, the real side of sharmain. The one i really am. The sharmain that just wishes to spend more time with you. The real sharmain that is greedy and selfish and only wants you to herself. The real sharmain that wouldnt have shared you with anybody.
But i didnt, because i cant. Because i know you cant handle that real me. Because i want you to be happy to be with me. But this is isnt working. all i brought is more pain and suffering that i have inflicted upon myself.
Foolish foolish. Stupid Dumb Idiotic Stubborn Brainless. Why cant i just heed advices and just leave you. Why cant i preach wad i said. Why did i continue and stay on and allowed myself to go through such manipulations and sufferings.
My feelings for you, cannot be removed just like that. I am not that strong to perserve. Maybe i was just foolish to think that you will treat me better. Treat me the way i wan to be treated.
So what even if i contradict myself. i dont give a damn about contradictions. I really hate myself for loving you so. I hate myself for acting so stupidly.I hate myself so much i wanna murder myself. But i cant pull myself out of the situation. I cant bring myself to have to leave you.
No matter how harsh, hostile, nasty i tried to be. at the end of the day, i still love you. Like i have, and will always will.please, just let me experience love the way it should be.